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Еврейский анекдот
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Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Вс июн 29, 2008 8:45 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Еврейский анекдот

A Jewish Guy

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for the number “266419”.
A short time later there’s a knock on the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls, who ask him: Are you the guy who ordered “two shikses for one night”?”

Автор:  Bokertov [ Пн июн 30, 2008 5:54 am ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Обожаю анекдоты, построенные на игре слов. Хочу еще: Анкор, еще анкор.
-В купе едут трое: англичанка, полька и русская. Утром англичанка не находит своих туфель и просит польку (говорящую по-русски и английски):
- Пани, спросите у русской, не брала ли она мои туфли?
- Товарищ! Миссис спрашивает, не брали ли Вы ее туфли?, - переводит полька.
Русская, с вызовом:- Нужны они мне!
-Миссис! Товарищ сказала, что они ей нужны.
Англичанка, удивляясь: - Хорошо. Если она уже попользовалась, то пусть вернет.
- Миссис просит вернуть ей туфли.
Русская, с еще большим вызовом: - Здрасьте! Я Ваша тетя!
- Товарищ отвечает, что приходится Вам родственницей.
Англичанка, в полном изумленни:- Ну пусть хотя-бы заплатит за обувь.
- Миссис просит заплатить за туфли.
Русская, в остервенении:- А вот ей хрен!!
-Товарищ сказала, что рассчитается с Вами овощами.

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Пн июл 14, 2008 8:29 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration.

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and please my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York "

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat the fancy foods that you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York! , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Пн июл 14, 2008 9:07 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Two astronauts land on Mars.
Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
'Give me the box of matches,' says one.
'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.'
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when,
out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms...
'No, no, don't!'
The two guys look at each other, worried.
Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match... and...
A crowd of hysterical! Mart ians is coming, all waving
their arms:
'No, no, don't do that!'
One of the astronauts says,
'This looks serious. What are they afraid of ?
Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man
can breathe on Mars'.
So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down,
and.... nothing happens.
So he turns to the Martians and asks,
'Why did you want to prevent us from striking a
match?'
The leader of the Martians says,
'It's Shabbes, you idiot!'

Автор:  Матроскин [ Пн июл 14, 2008 9:46 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Анекдот хорош по-настоящему, когда он короткий. :D

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Вт июл 15, 2008 3:01 am ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Матроскин писал(а):
Анекдот хорош по-настоящему, когда он короткий. :D

Ufortunately это не я их придумываю.

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard
about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to
pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall".

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Ср ноя 26, 2008 6:41 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Отвечая на замечание о том, что драки священников в Храме гроба Господня будут продолжаться, пока Израиль не примет меры, пресс-служба полиции заявила, что Израиль принял меры 2000 лет назад .

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Чт фев 19, 2009 1:05 am ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to
celebrate their 40 th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address
system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I
have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we
will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island
below us and we should be able to land on the beach . However, the
odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on
the island for the rest of our lives!".
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the
island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,"Esther, did we
pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?" "No,
sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,"Esther, did we
pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to
send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the
Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks? "Oy, forgive me,
Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't sent that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us."

Автор:  Outdoorsman [ Чт мар 26, 2009 10:46 pm ]
Заголовок сообщения:  Re: Еврейский анекдот

An English Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.

They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes

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